Yes and No

Story Time
Last night I went to a dance class where we worked on partnering and improvisation. The teacher gave us an exercise to do with a partner in which we reacted to each other with movements that said either "yes" or "no."  It was all up to you each moment whether you were going to say yes or no in response to your partner.  It was a fascinating exercise.  The suspense of never knowing what the partner was going to say or dance next and then making up your mind on the fly both with your actions and your voice was a very good exercise in decisiveness!  I learned that it was sometimes fun to say "no" and sometimes fun to say "yes."  It didn't really matter too much if I said and danced "yes" or "no" because my partner could also make up her mind about yes or no and no one got offended.  It is very therapeutic too, if, say, you are approaching your employer to ask for a raise and the anxiety of whether they will say "yes" or "no" could be so nerve-wracking that you procrastinate it and procrastinate it. This exercise could be therapeutic in that situation because it lets you play out both scenarios.  

This morning, Lily woke up at 5:45.  I wasn't very sleepy either so we read books on the couch in the early morning light (pink sky Lily noted).  The first book we read was one we got from our short subscription of Bookroo.  It was called "And Away We Go!"  Mr. Fox gets a hot air balloon, in which he plans to fly to the moon  Along the way, his friends stop him one by one and ask if they can come too and they also request things like pizza, milkshakes, music, dancing, and games, to which he always replies in the affirmative: sure, right you are, the more the merrier, hop right in, etc  This book is so cute and the illustrations are bright and colorful and the imagination is creative.  The message is so fun- Mr. Fox sure was fun to be around and even though he didn't get where he originally planned to go, he had a lot of fun with his friends.

Parenting Yesses and Nos

As a parent, I am sure we say a lot of nos and hopefully we balance that out with some yesses,  In my opinion, an effective and fun parent knows when to break "the rules":  Yes, we can go out for doughnuts for breakfast!  Yes we can eat ice cream for dinner!  Yes we can play in the mud!   Yes, we can snuggle and watch a movie and drink chocolate milk!  Yes we can read 10 books at bedtime!  Yes, I will play with you!  One of my instructors compared it to putting a deposit in the bank.  When we give a compliment, spend quality time with our child, say yes when we would normally say no, we are putting a deposit in the bank of our child  Then when we have to make a withdrawal (say no, ask your child to do something difficult or less pleasant, or the like), there is something in the "bank" we can draw from without emptying it completely or going into a negative balance. 

Parenting Styles

When we over use nos and yesses, we risk becoming either a permissive parent (too many yesses) or an authoritarian parent (too many nos).  In the movie Enchanted, Giselle says to Robert,"No?  Is that all you ever say-  no?!"  To which he answers, "No!"  ;)  And in Matilda, her father bullies her: "I'm big, you're little.  I'm smart, you're dumb.  I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it!"  There's our authoritarian or coercive parenting example.  In Big Daddy, Adam Sandler at first takes the role of the permissive parent, even letting his new son choose his own name and what he wants for lunch: 

Dad: "Hey, Frankenstein! What do you want for lunch?"

Son: "30 packets of ketchup."

Dad to the man at hot dog stand:  "Alright, you heard the boy!"

Authoritative parents foster positive emotional connection, set boundaries and limits that are reasonable and enforced, and teach children how to regulate their own behavior.  (Strengthening Our Families- An In-Depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family, Chapter 7)

Picking your Battles

So, how do you make good use of your yesses and nos so you can really be an effective, authoritative parent?  I think it begins with picking your battles.   We all have ideals, things we aspire to do or be.  That is all good.  When I first became a mom, I thought I wouldn't leave the house in my pajamas and would definitely wash my child's face and brush her hair before going into public.  That is an ideal for me.  That is not reality, most of the time.  We also have ideals for how we want our kids to behave.  And that is great to have high expectations.  But I want to differentiate between ideal behavior and replacement behavior and problem behavior.  Screaming to get a toy is a problem behavior.  The replacement behavior is asking "please" for the toy.  The ideal behavior is waiting nicely until the other child is done playing with the toy or being ok with playing with something else.  This isn't a perfect example, but I hope you get the point.  The ideal is something they can get as they mature and learn, but I would much rather settle for the replacement behavior than be dealing with the problem behavior several times a day.  If we pick too many "battles" throughout the day, we could end up in a power struggle over something silly like socks!  (Ex: "No, you can't wear mismatched socks to school!  Gasp!  What a horrible thought!") 

What do you really want to enforce? What do you really have control over without taking away your child's agency?  As parents, we have a lot more control than we realize.  And knowing this actually encourages our children to have a healthy perspective on agency.  

Two things we have control over:

 Antecedents - what happens before (how we present a direction or task)

Consequences- what happens after, how we respond (what we say and do after child's problem behavior, or replacement behavior, or even ideal behavior- it could be a reward, a correction, or even planned ignoring)

As a mom, I have control over my facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, choice of words, voice volume, choices of foods and activities I offer to my kids, what kinds of chores they have to do, what kinds of rewards or privileges I offer or take away, bedtimes and naptimes (to a degree) and of course my thoughts.  Empowering, huh?

My former boss, Lisa, told me a situation in which a child wasn't getting dressed for school.  She explained to the mom that she has the option to take the child to school, in pjs, and walk in and say to the teacher, "Billy didn't want to get dressed for school today and I understand (wink wink) that children who are not dressed properly for the weather are not allowed to play at recess and I totally support that rule."  Do you think it would take very many times for Billy to learn to get dressed for school?  That's just one example of allowing the child a choice, but maintaining control over the consequence.  At my home, I tell my kids that if they choose not to brush their teeth at night, they choose not to have sweet things to eat the next day.

Application

So, where do you see yourself?  Have you been saying too many nos lately?  Or too many yesses?  What will you do differently this week?  Have you found yourself in a power struggle with your child over something seemingly insignificant?  Well, the good news is, you're a real mom and not a robot!  ;)

This post would not be complete without sharing my friend's story.  Rebecca and her husband and their three darling little girls have a unique family tradition.  Sunday is Yes Day.  I took the opportunity to interview her about it today and am so excited to share it with you because she hit the nail on the head with the point I am trying to make about yes and no and parenting.  

Interview with Rebecca Ritchie

How did the tradition of Sunday Yes Day originate?

                                                      What does Sunday Yes Day look like?

Do you really say yes to everything?

How has this tradition influenced your family?

Thank you, Rebecca!  What a great example to us of patience and helping your children feel loved!

Other Thoughts

On the topic of telling our children no, in Finding Nemo, Marlen tells his son Nemo, "you think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo!"  He later learns to let go a little in his parenting style.  I definitely don't want to discourage my child from dreaming big and achieving great things.  But I did just that this morning!  We watched Ramona and Beezus movie last week and Ari wanted to do the egg trick Ramona and her friends do with a hard boiled egg.  They crack it on top and on bottom and then blow the egg out of the shell, keeping the round shell mostly intact!  I told her I didn't think it was possible. But she proved me wrong!

 Winnie the Pooh says, "People say nothing is impossible. I do nothing everyday." 

Related Resources:

Accepting No Tutorial for Kids

I Just Don't Like the Sound of No Book Read by Ms. Becky

And Away We Go! Book Reading

Bookroo Monthly Book Subscription

Strengthening Our Families Book- The Parenting Bible according to Kierstena

"Yes and my princess is named Ginger." Playing with Your Kids

The Sabbath is a Delight

Audio Post about Saying No to Get More of the Right Things Done

Find Out Why This dad always says yes to picking up his daughter and it will make you cry

Picking Your Battles Parenting Worksheet

What is important to you, personally? Rank them in order of most importance, with most importance being number 1.

• Safety ___
• Health ___
• Cleanliness ___
• Appearance ___
• Chores ___
• Manners ___
• Matching socks ___
• Hand washing ___
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________

What are your ideals for behavior?

What I would love my kids to do:

What I would love for my kids to never do:

What are the problem behaviors your child is dealing with?

Big problem:

Medium problem:

Small problem:

What would be a replacement behavior for that problem behavior?

“Well, at least he has clothes on!”

For Big problem:

For Med problem:

For Sm problem:

When is it a good time to shoot for the ideals? When is your child at his/her best? (Morning, mid day, evening, after nap, after a meal, after play time with Dad, weekends rather than weekdays...etc.)

When is a bad time to shoot for the ideals but better to encourage and be ok with replacement behaviors? (Bad time for your child, and bad time for you)

Questions to ponder when Picking a Battle:

1.

Is this a safety concern?

If yes, proceed to #2. If no, proceed to #3.

2.

Pick this battle!

You can do it, Mom! Be firm but kind.

Explain your reason if your child is at an age she can understand.

But don't engage in an argument about it. Calmly state your answer then move on! :)

2A.

If your child is in a fairly good mood, but is not asking nicely, prompt him “How do you ask nicely?” Or if he has not done what you have asked him to do before getting the privilege he wants, tell him, “Ask me again after you have...”

Or, if your child asked nicely, use this opportunity to choose to surprise your child with a rare and unexpected “yes!” just to keep the balance of yesses and nos. ;)

3.

Is it a health concern? Y N

Is this something that ranks high on my priority list? Y N

If you answered yes to both of these questions, go back to #2. If no, proceed to #4.

4.

Is my child using a replacement behavior instead of problem behavior by asking for this in this way? Y N

If yes, proceed to #6. If no, proceed to #5.

5.

Do any of these circumstances apply?

Is my child sick, hungry, overly tired, or hurt? Y N

Is there something more urgent right now? (Is someone burning, barfing, or bleeding?) Y N

If yes to both, proceed to #6. If no to both, go to #2A.

6.

Don't pick this battle!

Relax on this issue at this time.

It is better than the problem behavior and that's good enough for now.

Don't worry. It won't always be an issue in your life and your child's life. :)